Disconnected or depressed?

Mental ghealth is comethuig I have always been very interested in. Having studied social psychology at University and been surrounded by mental hal;eth issues or disorders growing up, I have from a yound age been fascinated in understranding hte mind. I have also always been rightened of what the mind can do. Books such as 'The bell and the butterfly' as well as experincing through a close fa-mily member the affects of Alzheimer's on a persons menatl state and quality of life have contributed to a fear of 'all o wing my mind.'

In APRIL 2021 I made a call to my GP asking for a telephone appointment to discuss my health. I had no expectation and didnt know what raw aaaàa could be wrong with me. I hadnt verbalised to anyone, even myself, what could be wrong with me or my symptoms so i was suprised when I answered the GP's questions at my range and severity of symptoms. When asked had I been experiencing any suicidal thoughts I answered yes and describede how I had day dreamed of slipping away ina body of water and felt that the feeling of peace and contentment that I longed for seemed easily within reach if I did this.

At some point he gave me the Samritans phone number - i recall thinking this was an overreaction. As he continued to discuss ways forward he explained that the medication he would like me to take were anti-depressants. This was an utter shock to me. I asked him...'Do you think i am depressed?' and he answered very gently and compassionately, ' Yes Sophie, I do.'

I immediately cried, feeling as if i had failed. I had failed at life, wasnt able to cope and the thing I had always dreaded had happened...I had lost my mind.

He agreed to do a range of tests as I was convinced that I must have underlying thing wrong with me that were undermining my ability to be resilient and stopping me from enjoying my life.

Looking back on this moment in time I am grateful that it happened. It bought my happiness and health to the forefront of my view ahead of my children, my husband, my job and my social life.

It is interesting to me that even whilst considering the positive impact suicide might have on my life it never occured to me that this was depression. I know exactly why I didnt see it, because life is supposed to be hard. As a Mum, you are supposed to feel like a failure, experience Mum guilt and small amounts of depression due to hormonal changes that are 'to be expected.' As a working parent you are supposed to feel like you are failing at work, lack sleep and the way to counter act this is to work harder, sleep even less and place your work above your family commitments - even though many of them cannot be avoided. I was once told by senior work collegues when I raised I was struggling with extreme lack of sleep, emotions and overwhelm after having my second child and was laughed at and told - 'we have all been through it.'

On top of this I had the life I had been aiming for, I had the life many others wanted: a 4 bed house in a desirable location, holidays abroad, little finacial worry, regular me time in the form of spa days away with friends, a well respected job, meals out, a coffee shop lifestyle and an absolutly beautiful family.

It is accepted in our culture that life is supposed to be hard, fun should be earnt and unexpected joy should not be celebrated and a penance paid, many times this has been linked to our predominatly protestant historic culture.

This culture is what lead me to have no awareness of how bad my mental health was, I was supposed to feel this way. However worse than that, I was supposed to feel this bad in order to have the life that society told me I wanted and should work to aspire towards.

I never second guessed this aspiration until the last few years when I realised - there was nothing wrong with me, I simply did not enjoy the life I had created. Despite societal conditioning to suggest when I reached this point I would have 'made it' I did not feel proud, happy or even contented. Maintaining this lifestyle was killing my spirit and it wsant my fault, i was good enough, I just didnt actually want it. I felt uncomfortable, worked against my natural ways of being often, endured stress and pressure in order to complete my life jobs list. If I was asked I would have told you I loved all parts of my life, it was me that was the problem, I was wrong and unwell and couldnt seem to be happy no matter what I tried.

The only thing I never tried was letting it all go and choosing the life that the small voice inside me occassionally whispered they wanted.