Have I fallen from grace or landed amongst it?

Since I have left my job, one which I have worked for over decade to attain, had a fantastic salary and local recognition I have faced many moments of self and others judgements which reflect ego. Those who have changed careers mid way through life, who have been made redundant unexpectedly or have lost a job amidst unfair circumstances in the height of their career will I’m sure have faced others or their own thought of embarrassment or humiliation as judgements seep in around admitting to yourself or telling others your identity isn't the same.

As part of finding my next steps through this part of my life one thing I have been dedicated to doing is never again uttering the words ‘I am…’ when explaining to people what I do. This is not about my feelings about where I am now, but instead about gaining an understanding that my job does not define me. I no longer want my job to be part of my identity but instead an expression of my passions or a way I provide for my family and myself.

I no longer want to give my life to work, loose my health to work, work more than I play or spend more time thinking about or at work than enjoying my life.

I have had recurring thoughts about what notoriety mean to me, respect and impressive lifestyle.

When leaving a high powered job there is an immense amount of fear about taking next steps in your career that are progressive, that demonstrate your skill, knowledge and commands the same level of respect.

I have always been a private person, someone who is turned off by consumerism and detests a ‘show off.’ Some of the most impressive people to me are dignified souls who have good morals, a kind heart and do the right thing despite their own wants needs and dont look for recognition.

Being impressive to others is not something I respect, as for me, everyone has a journey, everyone has moments of brilliance and 99% of these moments go unnoticed by the masses. Celebrity culture, chasing money, looks and other shallow pursuits is something I have always found disdainful.

Buddhist quote about entering lif so quietly you leave it untouched.

Comparison.

This week I began working with children with severe learning difficulties; this required personal care, nurture, communication through non verbal means and providing meaningful learning for children who would grow into adults that would experience limited life opportunities. Coming from existing in an overwhelming pace where I was experiencing unexplained pains, depression, migraines and taking paracetamol daily the change of pace required for this role threw me. For the first morning I felt like an alien, this wasnt for me, I was not using my brain as I had always done, like an internet browser with a million tabs open.

I couldnt understand my role, how I could be important, how I could achieve within this, how I could make progress with these children, how we could shoot for the stars. That intensity has always been part of my personality, patience is not something that comes easily, sitting still is hard and doing nothing almost impossible.

That is what I felt I was doing, sat in this classroom where the children explored their surroundings and experienced the sensory experience of the room. Regulation and safety was the main priority of the teacher in the room it seemed. I had many conversations, asked many questions as is my nature and explored the approached, activities, spaces and tasks to better understand the quality of education I could provide. Searching for excellence to be acheived within the time I was allocated to this role.

Until I had one conversation - with a beautifully interesting woman who had fostered for years, wqas invloved in many community projects that enriched the lives of both adults and children with disabilities and provided respite care for pupils at the school and their families.

She was unassuming, practically inded and wonderfully down to earth, a mum to all. You couldn't pick her out from a crowd to look at, she was quiet and enjoyed being busy. She explained to me that she loved wha she did, she enjoyed working in the classroom because you didnt know what to expect each day. I found this statement totally baffeling as I was so bored I had begun to clear out the drawers for fun.

When I asked her what she meant her face lit up; she explained that each child was so unique, that the care they needed differed each day, the relationship blossomed and changed over time and you got to be there through it all.

It was then I understood - it was about letting go, feeling not thinking and relating to another without words - with only playful physicality, warm gesture, eye contact and discrete ques from another energy. Your day when caring for another was based on the basic prinicples of love. Caring, being open hearted, wanted the best and seeing what another might need in way thatwas both empathetic, natural and instictive. It demanded a skill set from me that I had not used as it was not rewarded within our society, it lay dormant, only utilised when with my own children when that care giver nature would come flooding in.

I'm sure many parents or carers can relate to that feeling, of knowing your people so well that you can instinctively provide for them and enjoy the subtle moments of walking through daily life and all its mundane moments together. This was where the joy of my day would be found, another lesson to me to cement my growing understanding that the glitz and glamour of life is a mere distraction, a shallow pursuit that takes us away from our natural insincts and our core, opening the door to ego, comparison and unhealthy pursuit of societal expectations around achievement and validation.

Ego.

Dignified job, caring for us.

Recognising with pay.

Authentic life.