Suicide to living

The intention behind writing this is firstly to ensure I have a way of journaling that allows me to reflect on a silent period of time that I was deeply unaware of and that crept up on me. A period of time that I will never get back and that could have led to my girls not having a Mum at the age of 2 and 4 years old. The other reason for writing so openly about this, is to bring a stigmatised topic to the fore in order for anyone who feels this way, even for a short period of time, to know that the consuming and convincing feeling that suicide is the best or only option is a symptom of an illness and not in any way, for anyone of us, a truth.

In early 2021 I began to experience suicidal thoughts and was diagnosed as chronically depressed. I had a calm, planned way of ending my life and felt totally at peace with considering this as well as acting parts of this out. In fact, it was the preferred choice rather than living. I wanted out from everything, the life I had built and all of those I loved.

My life at the time was, on the face of it, normal and where I should want to be according to society's norms. I had everything I wanted I had been told throughout my childhood, adolescence and early adulthood, that would make me happy. I had completed an undergraduate degree, completed a post graduate to teach, had 10 years of teaching under my belt and was now a Senior member of the leadership team, doing what others told me that I was great at. I had 2 beautiful daughters after thinking I would never have children because I wouldn't be a good mum and the foundation of my societal happiness...a loving dedicated husband who was my first love, a best friend that inspired me and cared beyond measure. Further to this we were financially secure, had a beautiful home we had renovated together which I adored and felt lucky to own due to its desirable location. I had a loving family who would go to lengths to support us and many long standing friends who loved me for me.

I could not be depressed. I could not be suicidal. I was doing life wrong, I was failing my life because I was not good enough to do it all and soon enough I would fall flat on my face and everyone would watch with outward sympathy but secret judgement. I would be left to disintegrate in the ruins and everyone else I knew and loved would carry on taking effortless steps on their cookie cutter path through life.

I wanted out. I wanted to slip away and not feel anything. I no longer aimed for happiness but to be free of the darkness and pain. Happiness was a heady height I would never reach. My life felt like a bleak prison experience; each day was a battle to get out of bed and putting on the bravest of faces to endure another day of intense misery and not feeling good enough had withered my spirit to nothing. It felt that my last few breaths were almost inevitable due to feeling like I had long ago stopped floundering and given in to the oppressive waves of the ocean of my life that drove me further towards the bedrock and end of my existence.

I was convinced and overwhelmingly fearful there was something odd and wrong about me. The girl that could never be happy despite having all I needed to be happy. Perhaps I had an unidentified condition or illness, or perhaps ‘life’ was not something I was going to be able to do, perhaps I had gone as far as I was able.

The day I called my GP was my first step in my battle against this intense, insidious set of emotions and symptoms. When I called I did not think I was depressed, I thought I was a medical mystery and someone who just couldn't cope with life as I was inept and unable to survive life despite having a very fortunate existence compared to many. I now know that this feeling is a common feeling as although we use the word depression much more freely and without stigma now more than any other time in history, we are not educated to know the symptoms of this disease. When my GP mentioned the Samaritans I was confused - although I was suicidal I didn't think there was any hope for me and calling someone and wasting their time seemed fruitless. He then discussed medication and treatment for depression.

Depression.

It echoed around my heart, causing intense slices of pain in every corner.

‘You think I am depressed?’ I said.

‘Yes Sophie, I think you are suffering badly and we need to help you quickly to ensure you don't keep feeling this way.’

I was utterly stunned that I was clinically depressed. Reading this and looking back I would agree with you, it was obvious that I was suffering from depression. However, depression had been very prevalent in my early life, my role in school was to educate children and staff about mental health and bring the conversation and need for support from all to the fore. I had studied psychology at University. How had I not seen this?

Because I was very unwell...that's how.

To add to this, depression is a silent, deadly disease that is invisible to both the sufferer as well as everyone around them. The symptoms include seeing no hope, and alienating yourself from others so that they don't notice that you are mad. Naive psychology is widely accepted in society and depression only looks one way to many...my depression did not look like this. Infact, no one's depression presents in the same way, it is unique to the sufferer. Not one person, including me, had spotted the disintegration of my personality over what may be years and many life events could account for these changes such as the demands of a small family, house moves, ‘growing up’ and upped job responsibility.

When I got off the phone I discussed the diagnosis with my husband and he was incredibly caring and supportive. It felt good to talk about it...but what now?

My first step was to take the prescribed medication and to meet with my doctor to discuss it. I had never had any problems with asking for help when I felt I truly needed it (often far too late) and felt that any promise of not feeling this way was something I would grasp with both hands tightly. I carried on with all elements of my life and when I spoke to my doctor again I reported feeling slightly better. I did not. Things stayed the same for many months and worsened with the stress of work until the point at which I had no other choice, due to circumstances out of my control, but to hand my notice in.

When I discussed this with my doctor as part of a check up he said:

‘This is the change you have needed to make, you will likely find that after 3 or so months you will be off medication, as medication should only be used to help you make the change you need to improve your mental health.’

I had NEVER heard this before and part of me wishes I had so much sooner. As someone who enjoys change I was again completely stunned. How had I not worked out that I needed to leave this toxic work environment in order to feel well?

Because, as it turned out, it wasn't just my job I needed to change. It was many parts of my life and way of being.

In the months that followed I began exploring self help books, alternative therapies and enjoyed exploring a life crisis of sorts. I tried things I had always thought I hated, gave myself time to feel and think and tried to emulate those around me or in the public eye that were ‘happy’ and seemingly way ahead of me in understanding how to embrace life. I felt buoyant at times but mostly incredibly lost and conflicted.

Because what became apparent to me was that I had not been living my life authentically for years, approximately 15 years. Where would I start in finding out what made me happy, how could I ‘align/connect/come back to myself.’ Nothing in the self help books worked, in fact they increased my anxiety and awareness that I was getting life wrong and so many others had it sussed. No approach worked for me consistently; exercise, healthy eating, reprioritising, affirmations, self care, meditation, reading, sitting with it, sleeping more, sleeping less, life coaching, spa days, yoga, journalling...you name it, I tried it.

I would like to say there was a definitive turning point...there was not. That is what I wanted to hear when at my lowest. I wanted the magic key to happiness and I would have done anything at all not to feel so lost and alone in the darkness of my mind.

After 2 months of searching the most obvious shift came when I began to realise that the life I had vastly lived thus far was not the one I truly wanted to live. I had made many choices out of fear of not succeeding in society's eyes and in my own when comparing myself to others. I realised that society in its many forms had controlled me; told me what I was good at, what I couldn’t do, how to interpret my feelings, filled me with fear, dictated what I should focus on, where to place my energies and what would make me happy.

My depression was born out of feeling deeply unhappy with a life I had diligently created with the promise of happiness at the end of the pushing, struggling inordinate hours of hard work and deliberate change to fit into the mould. I felt trapped, worthless and suffocated as well as being convinced that there was something very wrong with me - why was I the odd one out - why could I not feel happiness?

What I have learnt thus far is that I can feel happiness, contentment and peace. I feel them now because I no longer listen to podcasts, social media, the news, books, those around me, those I admire...I listen to me. My inner voice or intuition first before anything else.

External noise, when engaged with well, can be informative and provides a knowledge and richness to life that quenches a thirst of our innate curiosity and can provide an instant gratification of feeling of being safe in an understanding. However, if there is one piece of advice I can give to those struggling with the darker sides of life's experience it is that:

Contentment is born out of authenticity.

To be happy or content you must become aware of your authentic self. To hear your true voice you must make time for it, allow yourself time to be bored, to be relaxed, to be quiet and to be in awe. Stop ‘keeping up’ as this takes time and energy...put this vigour into getting to know yourself as it is in these moments you will hear your true voice and honouring that voice is the key to your authenticity. It is not selfish, you do not need to be understood or accepted by others. If you listen to your voice and allow yourself to step away from the societal pressure or expectations you will not descend into failure, people will still love you and you will open the door to a multicoloured version of life that feels alive and real.

Choose to be the hero of your story, the main character, the leading man or lady - choose your life like a writer considering plot points and live it firstly for yourself. Your happiness, confidence and worth will grow without resistance, immersing you and those around you in a love for life that is pure and true. Reassess and leave the societal pressures at the door, THIS is what leads you to feel unhappy, unworthy and unfulfilled, not your ability to have it all, do it all or get it all right. Especially when, after recognising your authenticity, you don't actually want it all.

So, what now…

Time to uncover my authentic self through writing, new experiences and a lighter outlook. I am dedicated to ensuring that should I ever find myself back in that same dark tunnel of extreme depressive thoughts I will have the tools and memories at hand to remind me that;

Depression lies, I am not mad, I am ill and I will get better and feel the sun on my soul once more.

The following provide further information and support for all those who are in the grips of suicidal ideation:

• The Samaritans Phone no: 116123

• Reasons to stay alive by Matt Haig

• Discuss your symptoms with your GP weekly and seek therapeutic intervention as soon as you can

• Express your thoughts in a safe place; a loved one, a diary, a blog. Letting these feelings or thoughts out immediately brings them into the light and takes a weight off our soul.